Boys are told from a young age that whatever they do will be excused under the “boys will be boys” mantra, and that “boys will be boys” mentality leads to what I call the “boiling frog” problem of women’s sexual boundaries. I call it that because if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out, but if you put a frog into a pot of room-temperature water and slowly heat it to a boil, the frog will acclimate as it heats and never jump out, eventually boiling to death. Similarly, when we learn as young girls to tolerate “low-level” boundary violations like the ones we often are forced to suffer in silence at school, at home and on the street – bra-snapping, boob-grabbing, ass pinching, catcalling, dick flashing “all in good fun” relentless violations that adults and authorities routinely ignore – it makes it harder for us to notice when even greater boundaries are being violated, eventually leading to the reality that many women who are raped just freeze and fall silent, because that’s what they’ve been taught to do over and over since day one. You tell me what’s more infantilizing: repeatedly letting boys (and grown men) off the hook for their behavior because “boys will be boys” and we can’t ever expect any differently, or creating a consent standard in which all partners take active responsibility for their partner’s safety, and which acknowledges the truly diseased sexual culture we’re soaking in every day. —
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/the-nonexistent-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-consequences-of-enthusiastic-consent/ (via zoemelisa)
Truth.
(via edman)
(via theriotmag)
Interesting developments WRT the relationship between MSM and social networks - particularly Twitter. Can we, as citizens and users of social/new media, harness or use this in some way?
So sick of people banging on about Maggie, so I’ve written this in the hope that people get the idea and stop discussing her like the second coming of Christ.
Thoughts on the future
2011 has been a weird one. I don’t really want to dwell too much on the future globally (I’ve done that to death on Twitter already; I think we’re all fucked, to put it bluntly, and I’m anticipating that things will change dramatically) but on my own life. Well, one aspect of it.
Some of you may have heard that I went to Dubai in late November. I went for a job interview, and I ended up staying in a house with someone that I knew online, who was - well, still is! - utterly lovely.
Before I went, the reaction from my friends was lukewarm at best. In fact, most of them said “don’t bother” “why would you go there?” “it’s horrible” “look at what Johann Hari wrote about it” … It left me feeling quite shocked really. If one of my friends wanted to do something, I would be absolutely supportive of them. Even if I didn’t like it. I would try and warn them but I wouldn’t phrase it in the way that my supposed friends did. It was interesting actually, how it unfolded. Suddenly, people on my facebook who had been nothing more than pieces of ignored furniture in my life for several years, had an opinion on my life. More often than not, an opinion based on nothing but vague consumption of mainstream media coverage of the Middle East. Very few of them had the authority of having actually been there.
Friends? What friends?
So, I went, with a bit of a heavy heart, feeling like it might be a really bad experience. Everyone managed to put a bit of a dark cloud over the whole thing, before the adventure even started. The person I stayed with tried to spend as much time as possible with me (while working!) and we managed to get a lot fitted into the 8 days that I was there. I was originally going to go for 3, but I extended my stay..! The upshot is that I really enjoyed it, and I am currently trying to figure out how I can move over there as quickly as possible.
There are several reasons for this but the overriding one is that I am sick of living in the UK. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t see any positivity here. I don’t see any future for myself. I foresee a lot of interning, living at home indefinitely. Without going into detail or making my family sound awful (because they’re certainly not - quite the opposite), living at home is not good for me in any way, except financially.
I found Dubai a breath of fresh air. Nobody shouted at me in the street. The streets weren’t littered with rubbish. It’s sunny every day. There is some stunning architecture around. I had my prized personal space; the freedom to move wherever I wanted without being bumped into, for the most part. But even now when I tell people that I am looking at moving there, I get a horrified reaction from them. “But…I thought you were a feminist?” was one. “What would you even do there?” another. How narrow-minded people are. How disappointing that they don’t see it in a different way, that they don’t see what I see: opportunity, far above and beyond my opportunities in the UK. Hope, that I might actually do something useful one day instead of sitting around tweeting all day and pissing people off on the internet by being outspoken. Optimisim, that I could actually build some semblance of a life for myself and be reasonably happy doing it.
At the moment I don’t really like the way I live. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a consistent social circle, which means my social life is somewhere between dead and in a coma. I feel like I could be doing so much more with my time, but my efforts are being channeled into the wrong things. I don’t have enough money to do the things that would make me happier. I need some kind of direction. I need some life glue to keep everything together. A job would do this. A job overseas - well, that would give me some well-needed space to get my shit sorted. It would give me an incentive to grow up, grow into myself, become the person that I want to be instead of simply wishing I was. I am aware that I will either sink or swim. But I need to push myself, challenge myself, I need to be dumped in the deep end. And sinking is okay. We all need to fail sometimes.
I do have my qualms with Dubai. Its history is recent, well-documented and ethically patchy for someone as conscientous as me. I won’t go into detail but trust me when I say that I know it’s not perfect. I know this. I know the laws are more conservative than here. So I can’t be drunk in public (not that this stopped me having a great time when I was out there). So I can’t hold hands in malls or kiss in public, or sleep with someone who isn’t my husband. Pray tell, who would I be holding hands with, kissing, or sleeping with? This is hardly new territory, or a dramatic infringement on my rights. I’ve had the right to kiss and hold hands in public for years and not ever really had anyone to do it with - why would going to Dubai change that?
Of course, I will probably be restricted in other ways that I haven’t already considered or didn’t experience when I was there. But I don’t think they will be things that I will miss or feel strongly about. And actually, those things - the not being drunk in public, etc - are what make Dubai kind of nice. I’m never going to have to see someone throw up or piss in the street. I’ll never have drunken men trying to follow me home, rape me, or mug me.
I definitely want to move there now. I think I’ll feel safer there. I already know a few people who live there, thanks to the person I stayed with. I feel safe with them already. I know they will look out for me and I know that we are all in the same boat. Everyone has parents, siblings - somewhere. Leaving my family behind (and my BFF, who I realised today, I have known for over half of my life!) will be hard. But everyone is there for the same reasons. And after all, who said family have to be blood-related at all..? :)
The end of my 2011 and the beginning of my 2012 is fraught with anxiety but underlying optimism, and a view to the future.
Catch-up post
Hi tumblr!
Long time no posts. A lot has happened. I’m just going to link to some of my blogs in this post (I’ll pick the good ones, don’t worry) - they’re mainly feminism or politics related, I’m afraid! Then I’m gonna write something I should have done a few weeks ago. It feels better being here, because this is more ‘private’ and feels cosier than wordpress.
Why the ‘Good Men Project’ Sucks
Gender dysphoria and female chauvinism
Why do I keep doing this to myself? - On the difficulties of speaking out about feminism and discussing it in public spaces when there is so much ridicule and hatred.
The Cult of Assange, and Occupy Everywhere
Fem 11 conference part one: Endangered Bodies - Thoughts on the Endangered Bodies - diets etc - seminar at Fem 11 in November
Fem 11 conference part two: challenging sex object culture - Thoughts on the seminar by the feminist activist group Object
Feel free to distribute links/ignore. Sorry, I’ve neglected tumblr for a few months now…
Just back after a very long day down in London for the Fem 11 feminist conference, so thought I would spend a few minutes organising my reflections on what was an enjoyable and challenging few hours.
The session started in the main hall with a general address from a small selection of speakers….
